Yuks #13

There Is No End To These Fucking Jokes
I hope you're enjoying yourself. Courtesy of Jackie the Jokeman & The JokeLand
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What does a seventy-year-old snatch smell like?
Depends.

An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him.
He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"
The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

Dirty Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary can't believe it.
He says, "Whats wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

Burford sits down in a dentists's chair. The dentist says, "I have to drill."
Burford says, "Go ahead, Doc.".
The dentist says, "But you're holding my testicles."
Burford says, "I know. And we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen."
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They've each got about one chance in ten million of ever becoming a human being.

Dirty Johnny is playing with Loose Lisa, and he pulls down his pants.
She points between his legs and says, "What's that?"
He says, "I don't know. But my old man's got the same thing. I'll ask him tonight."
That night, Johnny waits for his father to come out of the shower. Then he points between his father's legs and says, "All right, Pop. What's that?"
Johnny's father says, "Son, it's a penis. In fact, it's aperfect penis."
The next day, Lisa says, "Well, did you find out what it is?"
Johnny says, "Yep. It's a penis. In fact, if it was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis."

Did you hear about the Polish girl who took her vibrator to the beach so she could shake and bake?

A golf nut says, "I wish I was a lesbian."
His friend says, "Why's that?"
He says, "So I could eat pussy and use the red tees."

A young couple gets caught parking.
The cop says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The guys says, "Officer, we're just necking."
The cop says, "Yeah? Then you better put your neck back in your pants and get the hell out of here."

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.

How do we know that O.J. would have been comfortable in jail?
Because he's used to big black guys opening up holes for him.

What are the three biggest lies a cowboy tells?
1. The truck is paid for.
2. I quit drinking.
3. I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence.

Why do women smile as they walk down the aisle?
Because they know they've given their last blowjob.

A doctor prescribes a very powerful laxative for Mr. Johnson, one pill every four hours.
Mr. Johnson goes home, gets confused, and takes four pills every hour.
The next morning, his son yells, "Ma! Pop's in the bathroom dead!"
She yells back, "I know. I'll call the undertaker as soon as he stops shitting."

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For better traction in the mud.

Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat.
He says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can."
She says, "How will that help my sore throat?"
He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted black with pink shutters."

A guy gets on an elevator with a big, fat woman.
He says, "Can I smell your snatch?"
She says, "No."
He says, "Then it must be your feet."

Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

"Use Your Finger! Jackie's Joke Line(516) 922-WINE"
not a pay service, just a regular call...

How do you paralyze a woman from the waist down?
Marry her.

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.
As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..."
He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."
The American says, "What does that mean?"
He says, "Wrong hole."

How about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
And didn't recognize him.

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.
He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

After a long night of drinking, Burford wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.
She's got a face that could make a train take a dirt road.
And she's looking at him longingly...she's in love.
She looks him right in the eye and says, "What are we going to name it?"
Burford picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, twirls it around, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this one, we'll call him Houdini."

Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out of the window?
She didn't have the balls.

An Eskimo's snowblower's on the blink, so he takes it get it fixed.
The mechanic works on it a while, then he turns to the Eskimo and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The Eskimo says, "Nah, it's just snot."

Your wife is barking at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door...
Who do you let in? The dog...
Because he stops barking after you let him in.

What's the difference between a vacuum and a banjo?
A vacuum has to be plugged in before it sucks.

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette.
He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Did you hear about the perverted archaeologist?
He could sniff a used tampon and tell you what period it was from.

A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't cook...they eat out.

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.
As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap...see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer."
The hick says, "How can you tell?"
The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

Did you hear about the blind skunk?
Fucked a piece of shit.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.
Her husband starts to cry.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

What do two lesbians do if they're both menstruating?
Fingerpaint.

Zebrowski goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pains.
He says, "I think it was the oysters I ate."
The doctor says, "Were they fresh?"
Zebrowski says, "I don't know."
The doctor says, "Well, how did they look after you opened the shells?"
Zebrowski says, "What do you mean, `Opened the shells'?"

Why do Polish names end in "ski"?
Because they can't spell "toboggan".

It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."

Did you hear about the Polish airliner that crashed in the graveyard?
So far they've recovered five thousand bodies.

The Polish general's about to go into battle, and he can't decide which uniform to wear.
One of his top aides says, "Well, General, whenever Napoleon was about to go into battle, he'd put on a red uniform. That way, if he was wounded, his men wouldn't be able to tell, and they wouldn't panic."
The general says, "Very good, Stukowski. Get me my brown uniform."

Why does an Indian wear a jock strap?
Totem pole.

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket.
The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's testicles."
The American woman says, "That big?"
The Iranian woman says, No...that dirty."

You know the significance of that little red dot in the middle of an Indian woman's forehead?
It means "Coffee's ready."

Did you hear about the queer Indian?
He was a brave sucker.

Did you hear Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson bought Aqueduct Racetrack?
She's going to do the handicapping and he's going to ride the three-year-olds.

A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."

What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, everybody yells, "Ride them suckers!"