Brand New Jokes, Sept. 1996

Brand New Jokes, September 1996.

These jokes courtesy of Jackie the Jokeman and God knows where he got them!
Use the BACK button to escape this page........

A little old lady goes into a butcher shop and walks over to where all the chickens are hanging.
She lifts up a chicken's wing and (sniff, sniff)...
She lifts up another wing and (sniff, sniff)...
She lifts up a leg and (sniff, sniff)...
The butcher says, "Hey, lady...you think you could pass that test?"

She says, "I want a nice Long Island duckling."
He says, "Okay, lady," and he brings out a duck.
She unwraps it, sticks her finger in its rear end, (pop!) pulls it out, and (sniff, sniff) sniffs it.
She says, "Hey! What are you trying to do? This duckling's not from Long Island. This duckling is from Pennsylvania."
The butcher says, "Hang on, lady."
He brings out another duck.
She unwraps its, sticks her finger in its rear end, (pop!) pulls it out, and (sniff, sniff) sniffs it.
She says "Wait just a minute. This duckling is not from Long Island. This duckling is from upstate New York."
He says, "Hang on, lady."
He brings out another duck.
She unwraps it, puts her finger in its rear end...wiggles it around a little...
She (pop!) pulls it out, (sniff, sniff) sniffs it, and says, "Now that's a nice Long Island duckling. I'll take it. You can wrap it up. Gee, you're certainly a nice young fella. You must be new around here. Where'd you say you're from?"
He pulls down his pants, turns around, bends over, and says, "You tell me."

It's a girl's first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's very nervous.
The gynecologist says, "You're scared, aren't you?"
She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."
He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
She says, "Please."
He goes (sticking nose in her lap), "Num, num, num, num..."

A couple's in the living room.
He says, "You're dry tonight."
She says, "You're licking the rug."

Little Red Riding Hood's walking along in the woods.
The Big, Bad Wolf jumps out and says, "Grrr...I'm going to fuck you."
She says, "Bullshit you're gonna fuck me. You're gonna stick to the script, and you're gonna eat me, you hairy bastard. You mangy fucking mongrel, get down there and eat my pussy."

Two worms live together on a golf course.
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."
The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt...
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta whiz."
Her friend says, "Hey, it's real early. There's nobody else here on the course. Do it right here. Nobody'll know."
The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."
And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.
She pulls down her skivvies, lifts up her little golf dress, and she squats...
She's just about to commence when the worm (ptt!) pokes his head up out of the grass right below her.
She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping.
He goes back down through the dirt...
He comes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, eh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, it's raining so hard the birds are building their nests upside-down."

Why don't Somalians go to the movies?
They can't hold the seats down.

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off.
As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."

Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist.
He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen."
When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself.
She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and looks down.
Just then, her husband walks in early from work.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "Ummm...I'm exercising."
He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."

A Polish guy stops at a motel.
There's a sign over the toilet, "Don't Put Anything But Paper In This Bowl", so he shit on the floor.

A girl goes to the doctor.
She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out...I'm freakin' out...my pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.
She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there."

A guy from France, a guy from California, and a guy from New York get caught by cannibals.
They say to the guy from France, "We're going to boil you and eat you."
He says, "Sacre' bleu! Zis is terrible! You cannot boil me and eat me! Sacre' bleu!"
They say to the guy from California, "We're going to cut you up, and use your bones to make weapons."
He says, "Oh, wow, man... you can't do that, man... you can't cut me up and use my bones, man...that's bogus, dudes..."
They say to the New Yorker, "And you...we're going to peel off all of your skin, and use it to make a canoe."
The New Yorker grabs a fork from one of the cannibals, starts stabbing himself, and he says, (as he stabs himself all over) "Yeah? Here's your fucking canoe, you asshole. I got your fucking canoe right here. Here's your fucking canoe, Jack. Your mother should take a trip in this canoe, you fucking cocksucker."

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.
He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."
He says, "'as it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always."

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog.
A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out from under her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.
The guy says, "What was that all about?"
She says, "I was just keeping it warm for you."
He says, "Cancel my hot dog."

A Polish guy calls a girl for a date.
She says, "But, Stosh, I've got a rag on."
He says, "I'm not that dressed up myself."

Dirty Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why're you wearin' your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

What's the difference between making love to a girl with arms and making love to a girl without arms?
Well, when you're making love to a girl without arms and it pops out, you have to put it back in.

The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the royal stable, so she calls Clinton, and he agrees to meet her in Lexington, Kentucky.
When they get there, they decide to go for a ride. They're just pulling out of the barn, when the Queen's horse's tail goes up (raise forearm like a tail) and (loud fart) "Bllbbtt!"
She turns to Clinton and says, "I'm so embarrassed."
He says, "You shouldn't be. I thought it was the horse."

There's a scream from the bedroom.
The husband runs in and there's a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife says, "Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!"
He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?"
She says, "Because I thought it was you...until he started for the second one."

A guy goes into a costume shop.
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

A girl's mother is constantly riding her about getting married.
Every day, her mother says, "You're thirty-two, and you've never been married. You're thirty-two, and you've never even been engaged. Never married, never engaged. You've gotta get married."
She says, "Leave me alone, Ma. Leave me alone."
Her mother goes on and on, "You've gotta get married. You've gotta get married. You've gotta get married."
She says, "Ma! Leave me alone!"
One day she walks into the house, and she's got rice in hair.
Her mother says, "You did it! You finally got married!"
She says, "No. I was blowing a chink and he threw up on my head."

Come on... even the chinks laugh at that one.

A guy's working at the lumber yard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.
He goes to the Emergency Room.
The doctor's says, "Yuk! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
The guy says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, `you haven't got the fingers'? It's 1991. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
He says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

Dirty Johnny and his father are walking along in the park.
All of a sudden, Johnny says, "Hey, Pop...look at those two bow-legged bastards."
His father says, "Watch you mouth. I'm your father."
They walk a little further.
Johnny says, "Hey, Pop! Look! Two more bow-legged bastards."
His father says, "Watch your mouth! I'm your father!"
A few minutes later, Johnny says, "Pop, I don't freakin' believe it. Two more bow-legged bastards."
His father says, "All right, I've had it with you. I'm disgusted with your language."
He drags Johnny home, throws him in his room, throws in three volumes of Shakespeare, and locks the door.
For a week, he feeds him under the door...
Omelettes, I guess.
At the end of the week, Johnny's father opens the door, and here comes Johnny...
(Johnny prances out)
He says, "Forsooth, Father, 'tis a day to behold."
His father says to himself, "Jesus! It worked! My plan worked! I'm a genius!" Johnny says, "Father...shall we go for a stroll in yon park?"
His father can't believe what he's hearing.
They go to the park, and as they're walking along, Johnny's going on and on in beautiful Shakespearean prose and poetry about the leaves, and the trees, and the grass is so green, and the sky is so blue...
And his father is thrilled...
Until they pass two of those same guys.
Johnny says, "Father, such strange men are these...their balls hang in parentheses..."